You fight every day, every night, and waking morning for someone to love you endlessly. You spend your time pleading for their love, for them to show you a simple act of kindness, a single sentiment that they care about the relationship. Yet it never comes, leaving you to bury yourself in the continuous cycle of warn out thoughts; you contemplate the millions of reasons why you aren’t enough.
After you roam through your limitless self convictions, you come to the thought that the weakness of their love is only a product of self-destruction. You think to yourself that the only reasonable possibility is that you’re not enough, you’re unlovable. You look in the mirror and raid your internal construct of negative attributions to settle on that maybe they don’t love you because your too emotional, quick to anger. Perhaps you’re too much to handle, or maybe they interpreted your unconditional love as a prison, and their lack of love is a sign that a jailbreak is on the horizon.
You’ve become familiar with this feeling, the never-ending tug of war, the unfathomable journey of pleading to them that you’re enough.
You feel disposable, invisible even. You’ve come to realize that your presence is expendable and that no matter what you do, it will never be enough to make them stay. So you keep your feelings to yourself, you internalize your self-doubt until it eats up every ounce of love for yourself that you once possessed. Then you explode.
You’re blamed for the volcano, the eruption. They say you’re too sensitive, or it’s all in your mind. They become a casualty of the bomb they created. They blame you for being so insecure and tell you that the only person damaging the relationship is yourself and your lack of self-worth.
You spiral out of control and fall back into the cyclical nature of apologies, thinking that your feelings shouldn’t be shared, thinking it’s all your fault. You bury them inside once more and convince yourself that this is the love you deserve. But it’s not. Deep down, you know that. But each morning, you succumb to accept this kind of love because they made you feel worthless and unworthy. And now you sit here, feeling broken and doubtful that anyone could ever love you.
This is why you stay.
This is the definition of a toxic relationship, and I promise you, this is not the love you deserve.
You are strong and worthy. You are lovable, and you aren’t broken. You are wholesome and valuable.
If you are in this kind of relationship, please take this as a sign. It’s time to walk away.